Is it Killing Me or Making Me Stronger? I’m Pretty Sure it’s the Former.

I’m trying so very, very hard to stay positive and not let the situation wear me down, but it’s getting harder and harder every day.

My job is gonna kill me, y’all.  We’ve already established that I’m very Type A, and everything is just so unstable and unpredictable right now.  That doesn’t bode well with an extreme Type A.  It would be easier to tell this story if I could give specifics, but my company forbids anyone post anything about it in any type of social media, so I have to speak very generally…

I’ve mentioned before that I’m in a different office on a detail assignment right now.  The position I’m filling in for is technically vacant, and it’s one that I want so bad that I can taste it.  Well, if I had it MY way, I’d stay in MY office, but that is no longer an option.  That full-time job is going away soon, so like it or not I have to go somewhere.  And since I have to go somewhere, I would LIKE for it to be this office.  I’ve been under the impression for a while that the vacancy was going to be posted this fall, and I assumed it would be at the same time as all the other vacant offices.  Well, the first round of postings  goes up on Tuesday, and this office is not scheduled to be on there.  It won’t be posted until later.  Possibly as late as 2014.  I’m so freaking scared.  I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  This office is my first choice, being as it’s close to home, but I can’t NOT put in for these other offices that are posted in the meantime.  If I don’t apply for them and then I DON’T get this office when it’s posted down the road, I’m pretty much just fucked.  But if I do put in for those offices and get one of them, they[ll probably consider me “placed” and not even consider me for another transfer when this office is posted.  At least not until the dust has settled after the looming September 2014 date when everyone has to be placed, cut back to part-time, or separated.

The absolute worst part is that all but one of these offices up for bid now are out of the daily driveable range.  Meaning I would have to move.  Get an apartment, go to work through the week, and come home on the weekends.  The thought of that is tearing me up inside.

And if all of that going on right now isn’t enough, throw a huge nationwide audit on top of it.  Yep.  Every year or two, a nationwide two- or four-week audit of the delivery routes goes down.  Those weeks are always super stressful even when nothing else is going on.  When you add that onto everything else that is going on, it’s a fucking miracle any of us have any sanity left.  So in the next few weeks I’ll be dealing with that audit, applying for jobs that I don’t want but have to have in order to stay employed full-time, potentially going asshole deep in debt because we are still in the process of trying to buy the body shop my husband manages, and depending on whether or not I am awarded one of those jobs, maybe moving away from my home and my little family.  Oh and then there’s this little marathon thing I’m training for…

So if you find me sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth and blowing spit bubbles, now you’ll know why.


I’m a Type A capricorn.  100% through and through.  I need structure.  I need a schedule.  I need a routine.  And until a week ago, I had that.  My day was wake, work, home for lunch, back to work, home, run and/or walk dogs, shower, start dinner, eat, and chill.  Last Monday I started a new assignment at work.  I’m doing the same job, but in another office.  A larger office.  An office with different hours.  Slightly later hours.  I no longer have time to stick to my previously established after-work routine.  Two nights this week I worked until 6:00 (after having gone in at 6:30 a.m.).  A third night I had to drive to the CSA farm an hour away, so it was after 7:00 when I got home that night, too.  Two of those days I didn’t get to take a lunch hour either.  It’s not that my new office is that much more demanding.  The problem lies with the fact that the office transfer happened so fast that I wasn’t able to spend enough time with the girl taking over my old office.  She was basically thrown in there by District with no clue what she was doing.  So, because I may still have to go back to that office and don’t want to come back to a giant shit storm, I’ve been going to that office on my lunch and after I close my office to help her out.  Because of this disruption, everything has suffered this week.  I’ve run 3.5 miles, I’ve eaten like shit, my house is a disaster, and my poor doggies haven’t gotten walked once.  I had my alarm set for 5:30 Saturday morning for my long run.  I did get up when the alarm went off, but I could barely keep my eyes open as I stumbled down the hall to the bathroom.  The week of 4-5 hours of sleep per night had caught up with me.  At that point, I said “fuck it” and went back to bed with intentions of doing it today instead.  So I set my alarm for 5:30 again last night with similar results this morning.  Only this morning I had a headache on top of it.  (One word: wine.  Does it to me every time.)  So I won’t get in a long run, but all isn’t lost.  It’s too hot right now to start out, but I’ll still be able to get in some miles tonight before it gets dark.  And work this week has GOT to be less hectic.  I feel like the girl in my old office is getting more of a grip on things, so I shouldn’t have to spend as much time with her this week.  As long as I can get off at 4:30 when I’m SUPPOSED to get off, I should still be able to get home and get most of the things done that I need to.  It’s just going to require a little juggling and better meal planning on my part.  I’ve gotta figure something out and make it work.  This marathon ain’t gonna run itself.

*** Edited to add the fact that it clouded up and cooled down into the 80s about 1:00, so I set out to get in as many miles as I could.  I ended up getting my 8 in, so long run is DONE!

Tuesday Tidbits

  • April and May have been positively crazy!  I’ve had to prioritize where my time went, and blogging/reading blogs was the first thing to go.  I logged in yesterday and saw that I had 366 unread items, so I’ve obviously missed a lot in your worlds!  Obviously there’s no way I’m catching up on that, so what’s a girl to do?  “Mark All As Read.”  Sorry if I missed any earth-shattering announcements!
  • Yesterday was my 5-year wedding anniversary.
  • We celebrated said anniversary by taking a cruise week before last.  (Post and pictures to follow soon!)
  • Cruises are not my cup of tea.  However, I have never eaten more delicious food than I ate that week.
  • For the second year in a row, I came back from vacation to bad news at work.  And this time, D did too.  It’s been an emotional week around here.
  • I didn’t get to run either the half marathon or the 5K that I was trying to decide between on 4/21.  I had to work.  I can’t bring myself to complain about that though.  My fill-in had a family emergency.  I’m sure he would have much rather been at work than planning his mother’s funeral.
  • I didn’t get to run the 10K last weekend either.  I’ve had the flu or some other equally unfun ailment since last Tuesday.  So has D.  It’s been an emotional AND snotty week around here.
  • For the last couple of days, my cat has been licking her nipples incessantly.  Poor little things are red and raw!  I see a trip to the vet in our very near future if whatever it is doesn’t clear up STAT.  Anyone else ever had anything like that happen with their feline?
  • I picked up my first CSA haul last Thursday night.  I’ve never seen so many greens in my life!  Turnip greens, mustard greens, kale, swiss chard, bok choy, a couple of lettuces, napa cabbage… And there were a couple of other things I had never seen.  I was introduced for the first time to kohlrabi and garlic scapes.  This will be an interesting summer in my kitchen!

Ten… nine… eight…

Counting backward from 10 is supposed to keep you from blowing your lid, right?

My children are driving me nuts tonight.  (My children are my animals, for those of you that aren’t aware.)

Harley had surgery today.  He had a tumor removed from his tail.  When I gave him a bath last weekend I noticed a little bump about 2/3 the way down the shaft of his tail.  I didn’t think much about it at the time.  He and Bella are bully breeds and they play ROUGH and CONSTANTLY, and they both always have little nicks and scabs as a result.  I thought that’s all this was.  But within a couple of days this proved not to be the case.  This this grew in size very quickly and became red and scaly.  I made an appointment and took him in yesterday afternoon to be seen.  The vet said it was a tumor, which he believed to be benign but said it definitely needed to come off and be biopsied to be sure.  Surgery was scheduled for this afternoon.

On my lunch hour, I made a mad dash to the house to pick him up and took him to the vet’s office.  Although we have had him for almost a year, he still hasn’t gotten over his fear of unfamiliar men (He was rescued from an abusive male owner.), so Doc asked me, for Harley’s sake, to keep his stress level at the lowest possible level, if I could hang around until they gave him a sedative.  I so didn’t want to because I was afraid it would bring back the still-very-raw memories of being in the room when I had to have my baby girl Lucy put to sleep a couple of years ago.  Bet since the vet felt it was best for Harley, I stayed.  Turns out my fears were completely unfounded.  There was no comparison.  And let me just say… if you’ve never had the opportunity to watch a dog be sedated, put it on your to-do list.  It’s like watching Saturday night in a bar in extreme fast forward.  He went from stone-cold sober, to wobbling a little bit, to stumbling, to laying in the floor with his tongue hanging out within a matter of about three minutes.

With that, I went back to work.

I picked him up when I got off, and he was still pretty woozey.  Doc said he would be for a little while yet.  As soon as we got home, he jumped up on the couch (after one failed attempt–still drunk!) and tried to go to sleep.  My dear darling Bella would have no part of that.  She wanted to play, and it was driving her up the stinking wall that he wouldn’t.  She was barking and rooting around on the floor and moaning and just making a complete ass of herself and driving me crazy in the process.  I guess Harley finally decided she wasn’t going to leave him alone until he got up, so he got up and tried to play a little bit… and got sick all over the place.  (Vet said he would be nauseous from the anesthesia.)  I didn’t figure he could have much in his stomach since he hadn’t eaten since yesterday afternoon, but something came from somewhere.  Ew.

He laid back down and went to sleep.  I turned my back for a few minutes and next thing I know he appears at my side sans bandage.


I looked at the wound thinking maybe I could just leave it off, but nope.  Doc wasn’t able to get good skin closure where the tumor was excised, so it was gaping a little bit in the middle.  I called him on his cell, and he said if he would leave it alone it should be fine.  But no.  He would not leave it alone.  Back to town to Walgreens I went to get the makings of a wrap.

And in the time it’s taken me to type this, he’s already thrown up again.

So today I’ve spent WAY too much money on unexpected bills, dealt with temper tantums from the jealous one, and been elbow deep in vomit, and played nurse on top of working all day, cooking supper for the humans, etc.  (No running for this gal today.)

And people wonder why I don’t have kids.

Closed for Business

I am completely, totally, 100% in vacation mode. In less than 48 hours I will be boarding a plane to Cabo San Lucas, and I. CAN’T. WAIT.

I have been a female version of Michael Scott at work this week. I have been goofy, I have been nonproductive, and I have probably been a little obnoxious. I told my employees when I came in Monday morning, “If you need anything from me this week, you have five minutes to let me know, or else it will be two weeks before it gets done.” When everyone said they were good, I made the declaration, “Then the vacation starts NOW!” And, by George, I have held true to my word.

In the past, I have worn myself ragged in the days leading up to vacation trying to play get-ahead so that I didn’t have to play such a mean game of catch-up when I got back. I would stress myself so badly over everything (Will my neice remember to feed my cat? What if one of the dogs gets sick? What if an auditor shows up at my office? ARGH!) that my mood would carry over into the first couple of days of our trip. Not this year! I plan to board the plan a happy camper and enjoy every single second to the fullest.

I even started packing Tuesday night rather than waiting till the last minute as is true Pam fashion. (I got a little excited as I was packing some running clothes. I’m excited to see what kind of cool places I’ll have to run!)

Not much left to do now but finish packing and take the dogs to the sitter’s house tomorrow night.

Yes, I pay a woman $24 a day to keep my babies in her home as part of her family while I’m gone rather than sending them to a boarding kennel. What can I say? I love the little vermin.

And let’s not forget about my spa appointment tomorrow! If there is an ounce of stress left in me, it will be massaged away tomorrow at noon, followed by a manipedi to send me straight into nirvana.

Oh, and on a side note, my couch is scheduled for surgery next week. Please keep your fingers crossed that she pulls through.